Do your kids know where you went to high school? Have they heard the story of how their grandparents met? Do they know the national background of their family, such as what countries their relatives lived in before arriving in the United States?
Turns out that knowing such things, and most importantly, knowing them through family stories, can be very beneficial for kids.
I came across the research of Professor Marshall Duke at Emory when researching kids and genealogy. Some of the important findings in his research include:
* Children who know about their family’s history have both a stronger their sense of control over their lives and higher their self-esteem; and
* Knowing stories about relatives helps kids be more resilient;
* Following the attacks of September 11, Dr. Duke found that the kids who knew the most about their family could better moderate the effects of the stress.
One important point: Don’t make the stories all unicorns and rainbows.
While you should certainly talk about and celebrate family accomplishments and good times, also tell your kids the tough stories. The stories of when family members came upon hard times, made mistakes, or got sick are hugely important for kids to know.
“We were very surprised to find that stories of bad things are even more important than good things. Knowing that ones family overcame major troubles and still carried on is one of the major contributors to resilience,” Dr. Duke told me when we spoke
He noted that all generations and people overcome problems.
Talking about stories of relatives who have made it through hardship “helps children to realize that they belong to a family group that can and does rose above things. This gives them strength and faith in their own ability to be like their parents and grandparents and other relatives,” he said.
This motivated me to tell my daughter about a story about my great-great grandmother whose husband died. She was left with 5 children and no way to support them all. She gave them up to an orphanage in town. She then got a job at the orphanage, which ensured that she saw her children every day even if they were no longer able to live together.
While I always thought that woman was ingenious, the idea of seeing your children but no longer having them under your roof broke my heart. I’d never told my daughter, both because it didn’t seem like there was a good reason and because it seemed just so sad.
Thinking about this research helped me reframe it, both for myself and my daughter. Of course it was hard and sad, but the family did the very best they could. They found a solution and while not ideal, it was certainly better than not seeing each other. It worked. They worked.
I hope I planted the seed that we are here because of their strength, that she comes from strong stock.
You can also find the “Do You Know?” scale that asked children to answer 20 questions here.
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Erin says
This is an awesome post, Shannan! I try to often share stories when we are doing certain activities. They help to conjure memories for me. Tonight was a tale of mini golfing 🙂
Shannan Younger says
Thank you so much! I really love that you’re a story teller. I would be curious to see if there’s research on the benefits to the person telling the story, in addition to the documents benefits for the kids hearing it.
Laura says
I love this we always need to share family stories with our children sometimes that is the only way they know their ancestors!
Shannan Younger says
So true, Laura! I love the idea of our relatives’ perseverance and determination living on through our stories and teaching/inspiring us, our children and generations to come. Thank you so much for reading and commenting!
Jen says
Love this, our stories are who we and our family are. There is so much to learn and enjoy and reflect on. Great post.
Shannan Younger says
Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Jen!
Jennifer Kaufman says
I love this! We do try to talk about things as questions come up, but I’d love to be more intentional about being “family detectives”!
Shannan Younger says
Thanks so much! Learning of this research has certainly made me more intentional about sharing family stories, too. Hope you and your fellow detectives uncover some great stories!
Martha says
Great thought-provoking post! I’ve done a lot of investing in my children knowing MY heart (I have stage 4 melanoma and for a few years it looked like I wouldn’t see them grow up, I’m doing a lot better now!) But, this reminds me to pass on family stories! Some of which I need to ask my own parents about!
Shannan Younger says
Thrilled to hear that you’re doing better now, and you make a great point that there’s a bit of a domino effect need to get the story telling going. Hope your parents have great info for you and your kiddos!