Children express grief differently than adults. Adults are able to verbalize their feelings, whereas children may not be able to put their feelings into words and instead express them through behavior. This is often confusing for a caregiver who may also be grieving. It can be difficult for a caregiver, or a caring adult close to the child, to know how to respond to a child who is experiencing a significant loss. Here is some information about what to look for and what to say (or not say) to a grieving child.

Just like adults, the first feeling many children experience when they lose a loved one is shock.

To the caregiver it may appear the child feels everything is fine. In fact, the child may go on laughing and playing as if nothing is different.

It is important to validate your child’s response to grief, or lack there of, by saying something along the lines of “you may not feel anything right now and that is okay.”

This period of shock is often followed by denial.

Your child may think that the loved one is going to come back. This initial stage of denial is important for the healing process. It is essential, however, to remember to not hide the truth about death, or to reinforce your child’s denial by saying something like “they will be home soon” or “they are sleeping.”

Children who have lost a loved one often become fearful and express many worries.

They may worry about whether they will die too, or if their caregiver will die, or worry about who will take care of them. During this stage, they feel insecure, confused, and overwhelmed. Expression of these feelings may manifest it self with the child being overly clingy, hyperactive, irritable, or experiencing frequent stomachaches. Their eating and sleeping patterns may change.

It is most helpful to comfort and assure your child by saying things like “even though the doctors could not make our loved one better, most people live a long and healthy life” or “even though I feel sad, I am going to be okay and I will take care of you.”

Your child may experience strong emotions, and may display them with extreme behavior.

This behavior is a response to how they feel as they cope with their loss. It is important to encourage your child to express their emotions while at the same time setting appropriate limits. Talk to your child about their feelings and validate their anger while reminding them it is not okay to vent their anger by hurting other people.

Often children feel guilty and blame themselves when someone they love dies.

They may believe that something they said like “I hate you” or did, like misbehaving caused the death. They may also blame themselves for the sadness of those around them. For example, if they see a caregiver crying, they may blame themselves. This is a great burden for a child to bear. It is important for you to validate your child’s feelings while assuring them it is not their fault.

Adults can say something like “Sometimes kids think death is their fault. Do you ever feel like you did something to cause the death?” or “It is very sad that someone you love died, but nothing you did or said caused them to die.”

To help your child alleviate feelings of guilt and shame, express warmth and acceptance both verbally and non-verbally. Your child will feel loved and valued, and this helps them process their grief.

As children face the reality of their loss, they often express feelings of sadness. These feelings may come up months or years after the death and you may not realize right away that your child’s crying or becoming withdrawn is a result of the loss.

When children enter the stage of the acceptance, they are able to acknowledge the reality of the loss.

While children never get over grief, the intensity of their feeling decreases over time. At this point children are able to think “my loved one is gone, I miss them, but I am going to be okay.”

Every child grieves differently, and experiences these stages at different times and in different orders.

It is important to be supportive and understanding. Never rush your child to a place of acceptance.

Be patient and take care of yourself, so you are able to express the affection and support your child needs during this difficult process.

If you need assistance along the way or are concerned that your child may need additional help processing their grief, don’t hesitate to reach out to a licensed therapist in your area for support.

Julianne Neely, MSW, LCSW, is a leading expert in pediatric mental health in Chicago, IL. She is the founder and director of Individual and Family Connection in Lincoln Park, where she treats children struggling with a variety of emotional and behavioral issues. You can learn more about her work at IFCcounseling.com

You can find Individual and Family Connection on Facebook, too.

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